( The Daily Tweets of JohnO )

On Intimacy...

I observe that intimacy is about kinds of connection, usually either of a directly or indirectly emotional nature. Sexual intimacy, romantic intimacy, the kind of very deep intimacy (non sexual) you can have with someone you just met at a bus stop and won't ever see again, the intimacy of geeks sharing excitement about their topic of geekness...

I was exchanging email with someone the other day on the nature of intimacy. It was one of many eye opening moments recently. And the epiphanic moment in this conversation was when I realized that there are different areas or kinds of intimacy... And in noodling about this comment she made, I realized that each of us has different *orders* that we *prefer* to engage in these intimacies.

As far as I can tell so far, this is often, tho not exclusively, for reasons of our own past history. For instance, when I was in high school, I idolized the whole idea of Romantic/Sexual/Life Partner Relationship... really in many ways i still do... But at the time, I had no idea *how*, I had no "safe place" to reach out to someone else from. I had certain kinds of intimacies with friends, but all my friends were male... None of what I knew from interacting with them had shown up as something I could “extend” to relating to the opposite sex.

In the latter half of my freshman year, I got put (almost against my will) into the drama program, and I met a woman there who was both very sexually confused (something I can see in retrospect) and also very sexually driven... I think as much by her physiology as by the fact that it was one of the few ways she knew to get other kinds of intimacy. I also had a very high sex drive. And when I very tentatively reached out to her, she eagerly reached back.

And so reaching for sexual intimacy *as a first step* became safe. It became not only something I was physiologically driven toward, but also was the only way I knew how to establish connection, establish a new intimacy, with somebody new. I began to use sexual intimacy as a tool to move to deeper emotional intimacies. That became a safe order for me to pursue those intimacies in.

Later in my life, I became involved with people who attended sensual and sexual parties. I think my expectation was that the party scene would be heavily favored that direction. That’s not what I've observed, however. What I've seen at parties falls predominately into two categories. People seeking sexual connection, but seeking other kinds of intimacy first, which just confused me in the past... And a very few people seeking only the sexual intimacy, which pretty much I wasn't all that interested in.

I wound up feeling like it wasn't working for me, but it looked like mostly it was working for others. And, well, clearly if it's working for them and not for me then it MUST be me, so I just must be broken and unable to fit into that. That left me feeling very sad and isolated.

But this whole idea of The Order Of Intimacies casts a very different light on that for me. Suddenly I can look at all the ways I interact with someone as distinct kinds of intimacy. And as steps along a path to greater intimacies. I imagine very few people’s paths to intimacy will be exactly like anybody else’s, so it’s not like “first you do a, then you do b, then you get to the prize c”... But at the same time, there are probably a lot of people who start from sex because they understand how. And many people who feel very challenged in creating safety there, so they start somewhere else first.

Now I can see each interaction as it’s own thing. It might lead to greater intimacy, it might not. It might only ever be just itself.

One of the side effects of all this has been that it sometimes feels like everyone in my communities thinks all I’m interested in is sex. I’ve heard it so often that even I’ve wondered if that’s really all I was actually interested in. That maybe I should be hanging out in the swinging communities. Two of my friends were having a conversation the other day and one said she was dating me, and the other said something to the general effect of “hasn’t everyone?” Well, the fact is, no. For all that I seem to have this reputation, I haven’t had any new contacts in about a year. I am not interested in “scoring” with people, making as many connections as possible... Except perhaps in an emotional sense.

I have felt very judged, deeply ashamed. I have felt like I was some kind of low life animal for reaching this way first. The only way I knew how. And I think I am not the only one to feel this way, to feel like they’ve been branded as a slut and that’s bad... When really it’s just another kind of intimacy...

I want lots of intimacy, yes. I mostly only know how to initiate that using sex as one of the early steps. But the sex isn’t the biggest part of what I’m after. For me, sex is not about finding a warm body and reaching orgasm. With all the tantra work we’ve done and stuff, if all I really want is just to get off, I can do that on my own much quicker and often with greater physical intensity all by myself.

But sex with someone I am interested in exploring more depth with, and who wants that with me, that becomes something amazing. A tactile exploration where the sense of touch becomes one way of many for tasting all that is this different person. Yes, the animal in me does want to share orgasms with this person. But that’s only the beginning. I want to share comforting, exploration, being there for them in times of need, listening to them talk about the experiences that shaped who they are, their dreams, their desires... I want to build connection with people, I want to create the family I never had.

I don’t want a quick fuck, I want friends and lovers, I want to support each other as we get old. I want to feel OK for reaching out with the best intent in the ways that I know. Most of all, I want to build and share happinesses.

I'm on freecycle, though I don't use it very much at all. I saw a Wanted post for an ovulation and pregnancy test, and couldn't resist reading it. Here's the email.


~~jackie~~ wrote:

i am searching for ovulation test and pregnancy test. i am ttc and
those test are costly. if anyoen has some laying around i'll be happy
to take them off your hands

TTC, for the uninitiated (which was me until I googled), means Trying To Conceive.

I sent a somewhat bitchy and very honest reply.

If you can't afford a pregnancy test, do you really think you should be having a child? Cribs, clothes, inoculations, hospital stays, and the like cost much more than a pregnancy test.

It just bothered me. A lot.

You shouldn't go on freecycle for pregnancy tests when you're trying to get knocked up.

Here's one for you photography geeks.. or art geeks, or nature geeks, or science geeks, or just plain "ooh, pretty!" geeks for that matter..

What do you get when you cross a lightning storm and the eruption of a 300-year-dormant volcano? Apparently some folks in Chile found out...

(On a related note, is it me or has the global weather been turning a bit end-of-the-worldish lately?)

The 2008 Redwoods workshop was quite successful, I quite enjoyed it and the folks in the workshop, including nisaa and klwalton seemed to both have a good time and generated some excellent images. The scouting beforehand, and the time I got to spend photographically and otherwise with nisaa doing that scouting was amazing as well. But you guessed that already.

I've missed LJ the entire time, and am still backlogged at responding to email, voice mail and snail mail.

More soon.

By the way, if someone ever makes the mistake of cc'ing or to'ing a mailing list that you can send directly to, please please please don't be that guy who sends unsubscribe addresses to the list. And please don't be that other gal who chews out the guy ... to the entire list. And the other hundred peeps who get into a gang fight about it? Don't be them, either. Just sayin'.

Carlsbad and San Diego were fun this year. K and I go every year, with my mom and her sister, to a resort that my aunt owns a timeshare in. By virtue of the fact that I am the youngest, K and I get the hide-a-bed in the living room, and Mom and Jan share the king size in the bedroom. This year D was able to join us for the first weekend which was really terrific.

more cat pictures

Man, do I love gettin y'all fired up!


I wonder why your son hates you so much.  You admit he got in the way of your plans and you abandoned him.  What do you expect, you cunt?

The other post about the irritating DQ commercial made me remember to post about my current commercial annoyance... Has anyone seen the brownie mix commercial where the narrator is saying stuff like "No one says thank you for the countless soccer games that you drive them to..." and how moms don't get gratitude for all the things they do, but when you bake a batch of brownies, everyone is all grateful?

The thing that pisses me off is the part where, in the list of the things that Mom doesn't get appreciated for is "... the report on France that you practically wrote yourself."

This bugged me because why in the hell is a parent practically doing their kid's homework? It's like the solution that my nephew was given when it was determined that he had the penmanship of a 6-year old when he was in 8th grade... The solution was to give him a laptop computer so he wouldn't have to write things anymore, he could just type...

Maybe I am just bitter because my parents always made me do my own homework... Maybe I am just jealous that when my penmanship was bad in the 4th grade, I was forced to do extra writing assignments to improve my penmanship...

http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/dorktower/images/comics/dorktower644.gif

Dork Tower by John Kovalic

Current Comic

Please support John by buying his stuff at your favorite game or comic shop. Alternatively you can shop online at Warehouse 23.

DT syndication services provided by John 'FuzzFace' McMahon
fuzzface00@livejournal.com
http://fuzzface00.livejournal.com/

http://www.io.com/~fuzzface/dt/dt.xml
Last Build Date: Mon, 12 May 2008 16:00:01 UTC-0500

Am looking through the various options on purchasing a laptop - thanks very much for the helpful advice that people have offered!

One thing I heard a lot of was "Get a model with Windows XP, not Vista, if possible." Thing is, that significantly limits your options in terms of new models... most have Vista these days. I was told that only Dell allows XP to be installed on new models anymore, and their only model that has it in my price range is the Inspiron 1520 (a worthy computer, according to reviews, but there's another feature I'm interested in that it doesn't have built in, though there might be workarounds to that). So - just how bad is Vista anyway, and how much do I really need to be fleeing it at all costs?

Speaking of that other feature... I am finding myself exceedingly tempted by the option to have my laptop be able to access AT&T's cellular broadband service, and so be able to connect to the internet from anywhere that there's cel tower access. But, it's expensive. Does anyone else use that service? How do you find its reliability, in terms of consistent vs dropped service, and in terms of speed?

Thanks!

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

Has anyone been to the touring company version of Avenue Q?

It's coming to my city at the end of June and it looks like the only performance I can see is the Saturday matinee. I'm curious if anyone else has gone and noticed many kids at what is basically an adult puppet show (with music)?

Here's the back story:

My neighbor (who I've always loved, but never had to rely on before) got a great job in Vancouver, packed up house and family and has moved away.  Before she left, she gave me a large box of toys and baby things that she asked me to sell on her behalf through my eBay store, then we'd split the profits 50/50.  Some were not in good enough condition to be eBayed with any success, and they have been freecycled (see below for a further rant about that).  Other pieces, while probably salable, are not easily shippable due to weird size and weight.  Those will go on Craigs List.

My problem was that there were several items that I can't even identify well enough to attach a name or value to them.  I ended up having to put up a Flickr album in order to send it to my childed friends with the question "What the Hell is This?!"  Truly, unless the toy has catnip in it, I haven't a clue as to it's identity. 

Here's the ranty bit: 

A friend of mine here in London called me, very amused, regarding that message to the Mommies - she was also extraordinarily helpful, bless her.  Turns out some of these things are very expensive new, and I have a few treasures on my hands.  The neighbor promised to provide me with weblinks and information.  Then she shows up with several boxes of stuff that is spit all over, bleach-stained, dirty, broken, etc., and a few items that are very, very valuable mixed in.  It's been left entirely up to me to figure out which is which.  No information on any of the items; no guidance whatsoever; especially frustrating since I explained very carefully that what I know about kid stuff could fit on a very, very small post-it note. 

I was absolutely aghast when I found out how much some of this stuff costs new.  Thirteen quid (which is $26.00, folks) for a TEETHING RING?  Clearly, it was a good, good choice I made to remain child free, because there's no way I'd be spending so much money on something for my kid to CHEW on.  Then there's something else - I sold it on eBay.  It's called a "Buggy Snuggle."  They cost 70 quid new.  When I was little, they were called "blankets," and you got them for $1.98 at Woolworths because spending a lot of money on something in which a small human will pee, poop and barf would be illogical.

My mother would be laughing her face off at these items and prices.  I'm sure I would, at some point, be reminded that I was content and happy for hours playing with a cardboard box and a wooden spoon, and that an $80.00 "Wooden Baby Gym" was not necessary to my happiness.

I just needed to vent a little.  I had an agreement with my neighbor, and the idea was that she would provide the Mom-knowledge, and I would provide the sales venue.  I don't think I'll be taking a task like this on again....  I'm much better at handling items I choose to sell for myself, because I at least know what I'm looking at.

Thanks for listening. 

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

Hi, new here, commented a little here and there, but felt the need to get a commercial gripe out of my system. I am childfree, as are my 2 room mates -- both adult women. We prefer our farm critters and house pets (two of which are my icon). Anyway, annoying commercial ...

It's a commercial for Basken-Robbins (ice cream place). It shows mom showing up to pick up kids from grandma's. Mom says "if grandma says you were good we can go to basken-robbins and get ". Grandma says "these little angels? let me get my coat" ... meanwhile the camera is showing a completely destroyed living room and something exploding over of camera.

So, these two hellions can destroy a living room and completely drive grandma nuts (she's shown all discheveled) ... yet they are little angels who deserve sugar gooey unneccessary treat.

~wtf?!~

If I had done 1/10th of that as a child ... I certainly wouldn't be getting a sugar high! :P

And this stupid project can be done.
I think I should celebrate somehow...
But first... sleep. Tonight. Early, I imagine.

And thanks to a certain someone who called to make sure I didn't sleep until the afternoon.

-R

Obviously, sitting uprght at the computer has changed the intestinal dynamic. Guess I'm donw tih LJ for a while.

This is unlikely to be food-related, as such issues usually resolve themselves using the nearest exit, rather than both at once.

It also explains why I thought that it was so bloody cold last night.

And maybe why I was unable to concentrate enough to accomplish anything yesterday. (i haven't even checked my voicemail, let alone returned calls.)

The Gromit seems to be okay.  Vet couldn't find anything broken, so she gave me an anti-inflammatory and said to keep doing what I'm doing... rest in crate, no stairs, no jumping or heavy exercise, no getting up on furniture.  Its been tough to enforce, he gets so excited about his toys.. I've had to take some of them away.  Peanut-butter stuffed kongs have at least kept him entertained.

I hope he gets better soon, because it makes me sad to have to not allow him to play.